He wants to go to coffee. He wants to apologize, and talk.
I’m going to go because I’m so increasingly fucked up lately still over this that I have to try to get some resolve.
After the holiday, this drama shall resume.
Tis all, folks.
What I really said after almost two years:
Braggy Bitter Nonsense
“It’s taken me some time to want to answer you. I had guessed after all this time you would want to say something more than you want your car keys back. But no matter, really. I find it really sad that after all you put me through that you’re still concerned about yourself.
To have you try to contact me now for such a petty matter is disappointing. I hope you remember the last thing you told me. “Have a good life you dumb fuckin bitch.” I haven’t forgotten. And so I did. I hated myself because I thought I was so changed and broken. It was more than a challenge, and although it is unwarranted, I want you to know I am very happy with myself, and with a man who truly values and loves me, despite flaws given to me by others more careless.
Anyway, I threw your car keys away over a year ago. A better question would be, why would I still have them?
Regardless, I have been dead set on forgiving you, though you don’t truly deserve it. I did it for myself. I hope you are well, and I hope you find some kind of peace and self-awareness or something of the like.
I don’t necessarily expect to be hearing back from you, but I felt it was necessary after this time to tell you a small bit that has been sitting with me for almost the last two years. I can barely believe its been so long. Things have really changed. I hope you have too.”
I’ve been wanting to reply to my exboyfriend’s email for days now and I haven’t been able to. Every time I want to, I just get nervous and can’t bring myself to bring up my hurt feelings again. I just wish I could really tell him what I’m thinking without him thinking I’m crazy.
I want to tell him that I’m still hurt over what he did. I’m going to start therapy next year because I feel like a victim. I have anxiety over it that I can no longer control. I feel like I was abused—like it was an actual trauma that I faced instead of a sad thing that happened once. I am strong over it but I don’t feel good sometimes.
I also want him to know that I am an even better version of the person that he knew. I want him to know that I found a man who loves me more passionately and purely than he ever could.
I want him to know that I don’t have to forgive him. I still hate him even if I once forgave him for what he did.
I want him to know that being with him has haunted me. It is a constant regret because it only taught me what I wasn’t looking for and what I wouldn’t tolerate ever again. It was only an ill-timed and looked-over decision that I wish never happened.
I want him to know that I’m moving in with my boyfriend next year when I move to the state he lives in. I’m starting at a private college and I’m going to do what I always wanted to—help people through counseling.
I want him to know that I’m excited about my life now, and I’m happy, for the first time in a long time.
I won’t say any of those things. He doesn’t deserve to know them. Those things are just for me.
I really don’t know what I’ll say to him at all.
Okay, I haven’t drank much since I’ve been diagnosed. I mean, I’ve had two beers total. Tomorrow is my friend’s birthday, and I’m going to pick up a six pack… Good idea or no? How often do you guys drink? And what do you drink? Does it usually trigger an outbreak? What do you do to prevent it?
I think everyone has their own triggers too. If I’m drinking and smoking (hooka), I might get sick but for the most part, I’m fine and outbreak free, even while I’m off of a suppressant medication. Stress is usually the thing that does me in. I’m probably the most stressed person and haven’t had this many outbreaks, but the times of transition—moving, job change, other big stuff—usually that’s my think.
My thing has always been to try to avoid things that will make me have an outbreak, but not to limit myself so much trying to do so.
Anonymous asked: Thank you KR and i hope you have a blessed journey each day. Keep on growing and learning. You are an inspiration! God bless you!
This is pure sweetness.
I learn everyday, even when I don’t want to or when I don’t see a clear opportunity.
So much in my life has been placed in front of me purposefully, and I would be silly not to take it all and display it for the hope that someone else might get inspired to do and be better.
He did answer my message the other day. He wanted me to know that he did try to return my things when we broke up but they were sent back because he got the address wrong.
And then, he told me why he was really talking to me.
He wanted to know if I had his extra set of car keys I accidentally took back with me on my trip to see him.
I was so livid. I read it at work and started to have an attack. I went in the back where no one was and started to kick things and scream. Part of me hoped he was trying to make good on what he did to me. He just wanted the keys because he’s trying to give the car back to his stepdad and needs both or needs to pay to replace it I guess.
I wanted to message him back, furious, and tell him he is absolutely the dumbest fucking person I have ever known.
Instead, I’ve kept my peace, as I’ve tried to do. I didn’t answer yet. When I do, I will answer the question with “no, I threw them away over a year ago, and I didn’t want my things back anyway.”
But I want to tell him that I’ve moved on and he should too. I’ve got so much to say to him, but the less I say the better, I suppose.
I’m trying to keep my peace, the peace he took from me almost two years ago.
This is still haunting me.
"Although most boys figure out how to bring themselves to orgasm by age thirteen, half of girls don’t have their first orgasms until their late teens, twenties, or beyond. Teenage girls widely agree that they get the message loud and clear that masturbation is something boys do, but girls don’t, can’t, or shouldn’t. The cultural focus on intercourse tells young women to expect they’ll begin to experience sexual pleasure once they have sex with a man (whether or not they’re even interested in sex with men). Nearly all teen boys, on the other hand, experience sexual pleasure long before they get their hands—or other body parts—into a partner’s pants. Despite the massive advances in women’s equality, young women’s sexuality is stuck in a surprising paradox. Young women are sold provocative clothes but aren’t taught where to find their own clitoris. Many girls give their boyfriends oral sex, but are too uncomfortable with their own bodies to allow the guys to return the favor. It’s still a radical act to say that women need and deserve access to information about their own sexual pleasure—not just about the risks and negative consequences of sex."
Dorian Solot, I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. (via historicalslut)
I know this is shockingly true because I know a girl who in the long run ended up pregnant for the exact reasons listed here. She was in beauty pageants, wore provocative clothing, but didn’t even know how to use a tampon. She was taught her body was ‘wrong’, and that she should be afraid of it.
Now, due to the painful pregnancy, her body is horribly scarred and she might never be able to have more children. She’s a lovely, young mother, but I can only imagine how it would have went if she were empowered rather than discouraged.
(Source: lipsredasroses, via ristia-amore)
Anonymous asked: STAY STRONG U R AMAZING. Thank you for this blog. Guy I was dating last year and I started talking again. He'd broken up w me but tried to get me back for months. only i caught type 1 hSv down below on our break from ONE hook up and have never had a break out since.Terrified to tell him.He's leaving for work for 5 months very soon. I HAVE to tell him..just don't know how. i'm so scared. He loves me. HSV just has such a strong stigma. Any advice? Again you are so strong and loved and important!
I love reading things like this—the compliment I mean. I started this blog for me, but it really became an outlet for me to change how other people view hsv not only for other people but for those who have it themselves. There is such a stigma around it—and we propel it!! The person who deserves to be with you will stick with you after knowing this. If someone ever does become freaked out, it is so important to remind that person that no one, you included, asked for this. No one asks for it and no one deserves it. It’s tough, but it’s life. I hope it goes well, and whatever you do, be fully honest. If he doesn’t appreciate it, you’ll at least know that you were honest with him as we’ll as yourself.
Much love and luck to you.
I was right.
I wondered when my exboyfriend would contact me. Then a couple weeks ago, I felt it in my bones: he was looking. Searching. He was going to try after all this time to reach out to me.
And today, he did.
I flashed back for a moment. I started to cry at work as I felt how I did almost 2 years ago being diagnosed with herpes. This was all because of him and his negligence. His ill will or disregard for me.
The last thing he told me was to “have a good life you dumb fucking bitch.” And you know what? I did. I picked myself up and fought and became a better person. I found the man I’m going to spend my life with who is so wholeheartedly better than my exboyfriend.
I was right. He would try. And I did answer. He asked if we could talk, noting how he’s the last person I probably want to talk to. I did answer. I told him that I knew he would try to eventually, and I wanted to know why.
So, we’ll see where this goes.
I am stronger than this.
I am stronger than him.
Congrats to my exboyfriend’s mother who left her cheating, abusive husband of almost 20 years. Even though she was the mother of the exboyfriend who gave me herpes, and had many serious ups and downs in raising her children, I loved her a lot and shared a connection with her. Out of anyone in the family, she is the one I miss most.
I am so proud of her after taking her exhusband back time and time again after his cheating and lying. I would tell her outright, but I would assume that after all this time, it would be odd that I contact her.
She was not without her flaws, but neither are any of us, especially with the hsv burden to bear. It really makes me feel so good that she left, and really did leave, moving to another state. She can start again and have the life she was deserved in the beginning, just like us all.
Goodnight everyone. :)
Oh shit you guys, I really meant to post more often, even in these quiet times.
Nothing herp-related to report. I’ve been off medication for 3 months because my boyfriend hasn’t been here. He comes back in a month so I’m going back on for a bit.
He’s picking out and saving for a ring. I’m going to be moving to Arizona in the next year. I’m so excited about the direction my life has taken. If you saw how I started, you’d be surprised too.
Do you remember how we used to make each other happy?
Barely. But I do.
are you bold enough to reach for
Janelle Monae (Many Moons) (via noclaps)