Be Young And Stupid

Being Young and Married

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 10:18:58 -0400

I am so excited to get engaged in July. I’ll have the ring, we can continue to plan, and our families will officially know.
I’m having trouble understanding why people my age keep telling me not to get married because “I have a lot more to experience.” So, I have to sleep with other people to know that I want to marry someone I’m with now?
I’m the luckiest person because after being dealt the hand I have, I found my best friend and I get to spend every day for my whole life with him. I found the person who makes me laugh and be silly, who makes me love myself when it’s really hard, who teaches me to know myself more.
I can appreciate the sentiment. But I don’t intend on having other people dictate how I live my life or have my relationship.
I’ve never been happier.
This is the best thing I’ve done for my whole life, just being here.

Holy shit.

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:21:51 -0500

This is what my blog is about. Something bad happening and then good things afterwards. Life goes on.
I’m getting married next year.
I can barely believe it.

Photo

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 23:35:06 -0500

By boyfriend is NEGATIVE. And I didn’t have a cold sore. Best week ever. I can’t...

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 03:11:42 -0500

By boyfriend is NEGATIVE.
And I didn’t have a cold sore.
Best week ever.
I can’t contain my joy and happiness for keeping the love of my life safe from the sorrow I’ve seen in this world.

STDs in Sex-Positive Community: Examining Stigma and Safer Sex Practices

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 15:06:17 -0500

STDs in Sex-Positive Community: Examining Stigma and Safer Sex Practices:

stisohmy:

“I get frustrated when people state they will not have sex with someone who is open and honest about their [HCV, HIV, HSV, HPV] status – especially if they are willing to have casual and/or anonymous sex with persons whose status they do not know.”

Fuck.

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 13:00:51 -0500

I think I’m getting my first cold sore.
As if GH wasn’t enough.

Well, it's been a good year.

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 03:03:23 -0500

I think I’m actually getting another OB. Which is shitty not because of anything it prevents me from doing sexually—my boyfriend is away at school until I see him in March—but it’s just more shitty because, well, it’s shitty.

I haven’t told anyone—my boyfriend, or my mom who I share everything with—and I think I’d just like to keep it that way right now. I don’t need to constantly call attention to this and I kind of just want to pretend that it’s not there.

I still await the results of my boyfriend’s STD test. So hopefully that will come at a mentally stable time for me…those moments are few and far between these days. The stress of moving and not knowing what to do with my life and having no friends around here at all has sent me into this depressive tailspin—and I’m sure into this outbreak.

Alas, more junk to come, including the story in which I get closure from my exboyfriend. At least with this OB, I’m not mad at him anymore. I don’t fault him and this doesn’t bring up feelings of being hurt and betrayed like it used to. It’s been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed. Seems like good timing to me.

Out of the Office

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 23:15:27 -0500

I apologize for being so distant. I left you all with the story that I met with my exboyfriend—the man that gave me herpes almost two years ago. I shall elaborate at a later date.

The matter at hand is my boyfriend. He’s got tested this week for herpes before everyone came back to school. We had agreed that he would get tested again by the end of Summer, but he surprised me by getting tested early. It was something that I wasn’t ready to handle, and that I’m still not sure I’m ready to process at this time.

The anxiety I feel lately upon moving to California and starting a new job is so extreme, I can barely handle anything else. I’m isolated and although I have the support of my family, I have no friends where I live now. I just don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to know what’s coming, because I do know what it is: I’ve given him herpes.

He probably had his first outbreak this summer, but because it was so minor, the doctor told him he had a 50/50 chance—so he decided not to be tested. He told me, however, that the doctor said he didn’t have it. He kept me at peace. He lied. But he did so, I understand now, for my benefit.

So, I will wait. So much is changing as of late and out of it all, I never thought I would break my promise. I cried so hard in October of 2011 telling my best friend how I would never hurt someone the way that I was hurt. And now, I’ve got to get okay with knowing that I didn’t hurt him the way I was hurt. He entered into this situation willingly and with full knowledge the way that I never did. I did the best I could. I love him. This is what I know for sure.

"In a world full of infinite partner choices, herpes had narrowed mine to the understanding, the open..."

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 01:18:57 -0500

“In a world full of infinite partner choices, herpes had narrowed mine to the understanding, the open minded, the risk takers. I am now confined to partners who think my awesomeness eclipses my cellular flaw — so instead of killing my love life, herpes has weirdly deepened it.”

- The Perks of Herpes, written by a woman with genital HSV-1 (via stisohmy)

My heart is so conflicted as of late. Dream boy seems to be losing his touch. I seem to be the...

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 19:48:14 -0500

My heart is so conflicted as of late.
Dream boy seems to be losing his touch.
I seem to be the very last person on a list of priorities, or so it feels.
I cannot give all to be left behind.

earthwindandherpes: dealingwithherpes: i made a thing i dunno...

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 10:19:41 -0500

earthwindandherpes:

dealingwithherpes:

i made a thing i dunno if the wording is best but eh

oh my god oh my god oh my god

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

"Sex is not a goddamn performance. Sex should feel as natural as drinking water. It should not..."

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 00:55:30 -0500

“

Sex is not a goddamn performance.

Sex should feel as natural as drinking water.

It should not require confidence.

Sex should happen, because the moment is ripe.

Ripening lips, ripening labia, ripening cock, ripening pupils, ripening state of being. Ripe and augmented and brimming. Your energy goes to your pumping heart, then to every external nerve, then to theirs, on fire.

You bask, roll, play in it. You sigh, moan, laugh.

It’s not about being “good in bed.”

It’s about being happy.

One should never worry if they’re doing it “correctly.” Sex is not factual. I don’t want your cookie-cutter sex, I don’t want your meticulously crafted, calculated, fool-proof fuck. I don’t want a show. I want you. Let your instincts, urges and whims define that. It’s enough.

What do most girls like? Forget about it. Statistics are meaningless when there’s only one. Hello, here’s me. Here’s you.

Don’t worry about taking it too slow. We got time. We got infinite rhythms, combinations, possibilities. Explore each fuck. Take our time. We can do a different one later.

Don’t worry about making me come. I’m here. Right where I want to be.

I am overwhelmed by wanting; you don’t have to convince me. I want you because I like you. So don’t put on a front. Don’t taint this.

I’m frustrated—it’s just authenticity I want.

It’s originality.

It’s passion.

It’s joy.

Don’t say that something I like is ugly. Don’t compare yourself to the rest. You will live and die with and within your experiences like everyone else. If someone thinks you are amazing, they are not wrong. Their universe is as real as any other; it is forged through perception.

I don’t care if you accidentally slammed my head into the wall, if you slipped out, if my arm cracked, if the delightful pressure of your wet lips on my anything made a silly sound. There is no right way and no wrong way.

“Good in bed,” what.

You’re good in my bed. I’m pleased you’re there. I feel it suits you.

Shove your technique. Let your memory swallow it. Fuck me like you’d fuck me, fuck me like you feel.

This isn’t a test.

”

- (via inwiththegood)

Today is the day of days and I'm not anxiety ridden over it.

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 10:46:02 -0500

After almost two years, I will face the man who gave me hsv. I will receive some answers, but more closure. I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life. I’m ready to stop having anxiety attacks and start really taking control of my life.
It’s time.

Question of the day:

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 13:00:17 -0500

Why wasn’t everything I gave and gave up enough for him?

Boyfriend is coming home in 24 hours.

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 00:49:08 -0500

Don’t mean to be showy about it but

I’M GETTING LAID IN 24 HOURS.

Sorry. It’s been a long 4 months without him.

Resolve-ish

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 02:09:27 -0500

He wants to go to coffee. He wants to apologize, and talk.
I’m going to go because I’m so increasingly fucked up lately still over this that I have to try to get some resolve.
After the holiday, this drama shall resume.
Tis all, folks.

What I really said after almost two years:

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 01:26:13 -0500

“It’s taken me some time to want to answer you. I had guessed after all this time you would want to say something more than you want your car keys back. But no matter, really. I find it really sad that after all you put me through that you’re still concerned about yourself.
To have you try to contact me now for such a petty matter is disappointing. I hope you remember the last thing you told me. “Have a good life you dumb fuckin bitch.” I haven’t forgotten. And so I did. I hated myself because I thought I was so changed and broken. It was more than a challenge, and although it is unwarranted, I want you to know I am very happy with myself, and with a man who truly values and loves me, despite flaws given to me by others more careless.
Anyway, I threw your car keys away over a year ago. A better question would be, why would I still have them?
Regardless, I have been dead set on forgiving you, though you don’t truly deserve it. I did it for myself. I hope you are well, and I hope you find some kind of peace and self-awareness or something of the like.
I don’t necessarily expect to be hearing back from you, but I felt it was necessary after this time to tell you a small bit that has been sitting with me for almost the last two years. I can barely believe its been so long. Things have really changed. I hope you have too.”

Braggy Bitter Nonsense

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 02:08:57 -0500

I’ve been wanting to reply to my exboyfriend’s email for days now and I haven’t been able to. Every time I want to, I just get nervous and can’t bring myself to bring up my hurt feelings again. I just wish I could really tell him what I’m thinking without him thinking I’m crazy.

I want to tell him that I’m still hurt over what he did. I’m going to start therapy next year because I feel like a victim. I have anxiety over it that I can no longer control. I feel like I was abused—like it was an actual trauma that I faced instead of a sad thing that happened once. I am strong over it but I don’t feel good sometimes.

I also want him to know that I am an even better version of the person that he knew. I want him to know that I found a man who loves me more passionately and purely than he ever could.

I want him to know that I don’t have to forgive him. I still hate him even if I once forgave him for what he did.

I want him to know that being with him has haunted me. It is a constant regret because it only taught me what I wasn’t looking for and what I wouldn’t tolerate ever again. It was only an ill-timed and looked-over decision that I wish never happened.

I want him to know that I’m moving in with my boyfriend next year when I move to the state he lives in. I’m starting at a private college and I’m going to do what I always wanted to—help people through counseling.

I want him to know that I’m excited about my life now, and I’m happy, for the first time in a long time.

I won’t say any of those things. He doesn’t deserve to know them. Those things are just for me.

I really don’t know what I’ll say to him at all.

living-with-herpies: Okay, I haven’t drank much since I’ve been diagnosed. I mean, I’ve had two...

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 12:44:32 -0500

living-with-herpies:

Okay, I haven’t drank much since I’ve been diagnosed. I mean, I’ve had two beers total. Tomorrow is my friend’s birthday, and I’m going to pick up a six pack… Good idea or no? How often do you guys drink? And what do you drink? Does it usually trigger an outbreak? What do you do to prevent it?

I think everyone has their own triggers too. If I’m drinking and smoking (hooka), I might get sick but for the most part, I’m fine and outbreak free, even while I’m off of a suppressant medication. Stress is usually the thing that does me in. I’m probably the most stressed person and haven’t had this many outbreaks, but the times of transition—moving, job change, other big stuff—usually that’s my think.
My thing has always been to try to avoid things that will make me have an outbreak, but not to limit myself so much trying to do so.

Photo

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 01:16:28 -0500