Be Young And Stupid

I am so excited to get engaged in July. I’ll have the ring, we can continue to plan, and our families will officially know.
I’m having trouble understanding why people my age keep telling me not to get married because “I have a lot more to experience.” So, I have to sleep with other people to know that I want to marry someone I’m with now?
I’m the luckiest person because after being dealt the hand I have, I found my best friend and I get to spend every day for my whole life with him. I found the person who makes me laugh and be silly, who makes me love myself when it’s really hard, who teaches me to know myself more.
I can appreciate the sentiment. But I don’t intend on having other people dictate how I live my life or have my relationship.
I’ve never been happier.
This is the best thing I’ve done for my whole life, just being here.

Hmm, looks like im going through depressive states every few weeks now, and so poignant. Being manic and high makes it worth it, I guess. It’s not like I have another choice.
Anyways, nothing much to report on the herpes front. I stopped my medication. Boyfriend is still away at school. He’ll be back in a few weeks, so it’s about time to start up again.
Oh, and I’m getting married. He’s saving for the ring and preparing to surprise me with an even grander proposal. I feel so good about all of this. I’ve never just KNOWN anything. And suddenly, I do.

My boyfriend leaves in less than a month. He says he doesn’t think about it or he knows he’ll break down and cry, and he just doesn’t do that.
He got down on one knee last night and proposed a promise: one to marry me when we graduate. He gave me a bracelet he always wears because it’s important to him. And we layed down and talked about everything important, and he shared all his feelings with me. He told me how sure he was, and how much he loved me. Until he said,
“You’re it.”
And then he kept saying it. And I thought of “Tag and Other Games” and I thought of how I always told boys when I broke up with them that they weren’t “it.” I don’t think any one of them knew what I meant anyway. I thought of how that boy last year made me “it” by giving me herpes, as if STDs were a game of tag, meant to be passed along like a fun activity.
I cried, of course. But I was happy.
“You’re it,” I said. And he never stopped smiling.
I have a quiet contentment. A happiness I only had as a child, when I was so silent but so optimistic. He brings out the very best in me. He’s it.

Having an outbreak. Kinda not a big deal. I only Have one sore (praise Jesus). Boyfriend doesn’t care. He still wants to sleep with me. And although I’ve preached good decision making, I’ve made some bad decisions lately. And not just me. Me and my boyfriend have made some bad decisions lately. Like not using a condom when I’m ovulating and having this outbreak. Absolutely stupid and I’m kicking myself for it right now. I’m supposed to be making good decisions. I’m supposed to be protecting him from this.
On the upside, he comes into the room last night, sits down next to me while I’m doing homework, and says “I want to make you my wife one day.”
I turn to him, “really?”
“Yeah. What do you think?” he smiles.
I don’t have to tell any of you how much I thought this was great.
So, hopefully I’m not preggo?

Seriously, I know I’m not old. I’m just 20. But seriously, it feels like forever, and I just want to spend all the time in the world with my boyfriend. I want him to commit to me and I want to start a family. I still have college to get through, so it’s not like this all needs to happen now, but it certainly would be nice.

I mean, we already are anyway.

I keep thinking about the strangest things. About how I cleaned his place days before I left, because it was so dirty and I wanted to have something nice for him to come home to when he got off work. So when he went to work, I got up, even though I was so tired, and I cleaned everything. It was nice. It made me feel like a wife. It was everything I wanted. The part of me that wanted to travel and see everything was gone. The part of me that clung to independence had disappeared. I wanted to settle down. I wanted to settle. 

We went to the convenience store they had on the military base. I went in with him and came out with bags of groceries. “I think we could do this,” he said to me.

“What?” I asked.

“This whole ‘husband and wife’ thing, I think we could do it. It would be the greatest adventure.” 

I’ve got to stop remembering. 

I talked about him a lot today. I said his name tons of times like it wasn’t a big deal. Like we’re just broken up and he never hurt me. We were just engaged once and now we’re not. 

I told that boy how it’s strange how she asks me questions. He asks me more about it; he doesn’t exactly know how serious I was about getting married. 

“Yeah, I won’t lie, there was a point in time where i thought it was possible,” I said.

“Really? What happened?”

“Oh, with anything, it didn’t work out. He wanted a family and all that, but he was also cheating, lying, etc.”

For the first time, I was just able to chalk it up to something unfortunate that happened once. There are parts of me that are sad about it, but mostly, I’m happy to not be getting married anymore. I’m mostly happy that I’m just on my own. I wasn’t ready to have a family. God gave me a second chance at that, I think. 

I was diagnosed 5 months ago with HSV-2, and I feel good. My health isn’t always great, and I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am manic depressive, but I’m okay. Most of the time I’m happy. I am normal, and I feel normal, more than I ever thought that I would. When I was first diagnosed, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t ever be or feel normal again. I would spend life being uncomfortable in my own skin. It’s just not like that.

I was talking with that boy last night. He told me that he wanted children and wanted to be a husband. He wanted a wife. Somehow, I’ve just never craved a husband like I have children. I told him that to have a husband seemed out of reach. I always imagined having children and never a husband. 

“You want to be a single mom?” he said. No, he misunderstood me.

“Well, no. i just never imagined that someone would marry me. I could see loving someone that much, but I never imagined someone would love me that much. Kind of unattainable I guess?” I responded.

“Alright, I can see what you’re saying. But I’ve gotta say I can definitely see someone marrying and being in love with you. You’re definitely worth it.”

I didn’t really think about it. I just said thanks and we moved on in conversation. I cried about it this morning. It was truly a very nice thing to say. He doesn’t really know me. No matter what, I’m worth it, even if I don’t always believe it.