Be Young And Stupid

By boyfriend is NEGATIVE.
And I didn’t have a cold sore.
Best week ever.
I can’t contain my joy and happiness for keeping the love of my life safe from the sorrow I’ve seen in this world.

I think I’m actually getting another OB. Which is shitty not because of anything it prevents me from doing sexually—my boyfriend is away at school until I see him in March—but it’s just more shitty because, well, it’s shitty. 

I haven’t told anyone—my boyfriend, or my mom who I share everything with—and I think I’d just like to keep it that way right now. I don’t need to constantly call attention to this and I kind of just want to pretend that it’s not there. 

I still await the results of my boyfriend’s STD test. So hopefully that will come at a mentally stable time for me…those moments are few and far between these days. The stress of moving and not knowing what to do with my life and having no friends around here at all has sent me into this depressive tailspin—and I’m sure into this outbreak. 

Alas, more junk to come, including the story in which I get closure from my exboyfriend. At least with this OB, I’m not mad at him anymore. I don’t fault him and this doesn’t bring up feelings of being hurt and betrayed like it used to. It’s been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed. Seems like good timing to me. 

I apologize for being so distant. I left you all with the story that I met with my exboyfriend—the man that gave me herpes almost two years ago. I shall elaborate at a later date. 

The matter at hand is my boyfriend. He’s got tested this week for herpes before everyone came back to school. We had agreed that he would get tested again by the end of Summer, but he surprised me by getting tested early. It was something that I wasn’t ready to handle, and that I’m still not sure I’m ready to process at this time.

The anxiety I feel lately upon moving to California and starting a new job is so extreme, I can barely handle anything else. I’m isolated and although I have the support of my family, I have no friends where I live now. I just don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to know what’s coming, because I do know what it is: I’ve given him herpes. 

He probably had his first outbreak this summer, but because it was so minor, the doctor told him he had a 50/50 chance—so he decided not to be tested. He told me, however, that the doctor said he didn’t have it. He kept me at peace. He lied. But he did so, I understand now, for my benefit. 

So, I will wait. So much is changing as of late and out of it all, I never thought I would break my promise. I cried so hard in October of 2011 telling my best friend how I would never hurt someone the way that I was hurt. And now, I’ve got to get okay with knowing that I didn’t hurt him the way I was hurt. He entered into this situation willingly and with full knowledge the way that I never did. I did the best I could. I love him. This is what I know for sure. 

Anonymous asked: Wow, reading some of your posts and your description made me alittle teary eyed, (im kinda emotional atm) but it inspired me a bit, your not scared at all of people knowing and i really admire that. I was diagnosed with hsv2 at the endof my freshman year last year and it realllllly sucked for a while but now im a sorta used to it.I just have no clue to how i got it :P

Thanks for this. It really helps to know I’m not just talking to myself sometimes, mostly for the fact that this is the only way I know how to help others. It’s difficult to come out and say that I have herpes, and I would be ruining a lot of things for myself because of social stigmas if I did. I’m on the same page with you—I really did just get used to it. It is no longer something that I define myself by. It is instead just fine print at the bottom of the huge document that is my personality, my character, and my ability to love others. I’m so glad that you’re doing so well with this, as it isn’t always easy for everyone.

Anonymous asked: I think what you are doing here with this blog and your book is absolutely amazing. Getting diagnosed with herpes is a scary thing but it happens and people need to know that they are still an amazing person. I got herpes in 2008 when I was 16 years old. It was an abusive relationship but I felt like I was broken and no one would ever want me again. but I was wrong. After we finally broke up in 2010 I found the love of my life that decided that I am worth the risk :)

Thank you so much, I really appreciate things like this. I am so glad for you! I didn’t think it would be such an easy thing to date after being diagnosed, but I found out that it really is! I found a boyfriend pretty quickly after being diagnosed that is completely okay with it, and knows that I am full well worth the risk. Kudos for rising above this huge challenge and knowing that you are worthy of a great relationship!

Anonymous asked: Hey, I just found out that I might have herpes and I'm really scared. My results haven't come back yet but I'm not sure how to react if I do have it. Help?

I’m sorry for the delay on this question. It is easy to get overwhelmed at first, but I urge you to stay calm about the situation. My hope for you is that you don’t have it, but even if you do, it isn’t the end of the world. It isn’t the easiest thing to see at first, but it will help to know. First, I would educate yourself on what it is, how to treat it, and ask your doctor (or anyone in our little community here) questions that you’re unsure about. We are your best resources. This time is the worst time because I’m sure you will feel alone in your personal struggle. We will be your greatest allies in fighting the loneliness and isolation. 

I hope this helps, and I hope your test results came back negative. It is a very scary and worrying time, but I know even if the test results do come back positive, you will make it through and be better for it. 

All my love,

KR

Meeting someone this week from the support group I belong to online in my area. She was just diagnosed yesterday with herpes, and we’re having dinner Sunday to talk things out. It’s sad how this stupid thing can bring people together, but at least it can.
I think it’ll be helpful for her to meet me because the rest of the people in this support group email back and forth about “the H,” as if calling it by its full name, herpes, would give it some kind of power. It just seems like we’re in Harry Potter and we keep saying “he who shall not be named.” I should start calling it “the virus that shall not be named,” and see how they like that.
It’s goofy. It makes people evermore ashamed to have herpes when we DON’T NEED TO BE EMBARRASSED.
By all means, don’t tell your boss. Don’t tell people you meet on the street, or the cashier at the grocery store (unless that cashier also happens to be your sibling or parent or best friend). But I advise to use the word as much as you can. It will make you less afraid, less ashamed and less worried about your so-called “disease” or “virus” or “gift.” (heh.)
It’s okay to have herpes and to call it that.
Seriously though. I mean it.

My boyfriend leaves in less than a month. He says he doesn’t think about it or he knows he’ll break down and cry, and he just doesn’t do that.
He got down on one knee last night and proposed a promise: one to marry me when we graduate. He gave me a bracelet he always wears because it’s important to him. And we layed down and talked about everything important, and he shared all his feelings with me. He told me how sure he was, and how much he loved me. Until he said,
“You’re it.”
And then he kept saying it. And I thought of “Tag and Other Games” and I thought of how I always told boys when I broke up with them that they weren’t “it.” I don’t think any one of them knew what I meant anyway. I thought of how that boy last year made me “it” by giving me herpes, as if STDs were a game of tag, meant to be passed along like a fun activity.
I cried, of course. But I was happy.
“You’re it,” I said. And he never stopped smiling.
I have a quiet contentment. A happiness I only had as a child, when I was so silent but so optimistic. He brings out the very best in me. He’s it.

Anonymous asked: I just found your blog, so I'm sure you've answered this,sorry. But also if you don't mind me asking, when you were diagnosed did the person who gave it to you tell you that they had it? also have you ever had sex with somebody without telling them that you had it?

It’s alright! I’m always able to answer questions, there are always new followers that I don’t expect to read through my whole blog! haha

I was diagnosed in April of last year. My exboyfriend didn’t tell me that he had it. I asked him to get an STD test and he said that he did and he was “negative for everything” even though he was never tested. Of course, when I started having symptoms, it was clear that he was lying about being tested; we broke up shortly after I was diagnosed. I have only had sex with one other person, my current boyfriend, after being diagnosed. He is fully aware of the situation at hand, and is really okay with it. I’m honestly surprised everyday how understanding and compassionate he is towards me. He has been a total godsend after a really rough year. :)

Doctor says It’s not herpes. He’s getting tested anyway. Other testing too for medical problems. He’s scared about that part; it could be an infection or possibly even cancer. He’s finally worried. I’m relieved that he probably doesn’t have herpes. Maybe I’m focused on the wrong thing. I am.

My best friend isn’t good at advice, or feedback, or feelings, or problems. But talking with him last night about what has transpired with my boyfriend and his first outbreak, I have a good perspective on things.
He didn’t want to say a thing. Like always, he just let’s me talk forever, until I feel stupid. And I did. And then I shut up. And then I kept talking so I wouldn’t have to feel awkward. But finally, he cut me off. He finally had something to say.
“You can’t let this thing completely overwhelm you. It already happened. You can just deal with it now. It’s okay.”
It’s okay.
Oh.
It IS okay.
I forgot that everything was still okay. I still love him. He still wants to marry me. I still know he’s the one. We’re still more in love and connected than ever.
It’s okay.
Who’d have known?

He goes to the doctor tomorrow. More symptoms. He says it’s not bad. It doesn’t hurt so much. He’s not angry, or upset, or any of the things that I was when I had my first outbreak. He just loves me and doesn’t want me to hate myself even though I do.
I was supposed to be protecting him and I didn’t.
What’s worse is that my anger towards my exboyfriend who gave me herpes has been reignited slightly. I wish it wasn’t. But alas, why am I in this situation anyway?
I must take responsibility for what I did, and what is happening. I’m just so sorry.

My boyfriend told me his lymph nodes in his groin are swollen and they never have been before. I immediately became so afraid. Everything I wanted: to protect and love and be with him, it’s all falling. I love him more than anything. He tells me the other day that I’m “the one.” And now it’s about to change.
I’m worried he’s going to have an outbreak now. I’m worried I gave him herpes. I can’t forgive myself for it. And the worst part is that he’s not even worried in the least. He thought it was a fact. He assumed it was a given that he would get it.
I just want to go back to when I didn’t have herpes. When I wasn’t so fucked up and when I couldn’t fuck someone else’s life up like this either. I’ll spend the rest of my life knowing that if we don’t work out, he’ll end up having his relationships complicated because of me.
I’m worried. He’s not at all. I can’t believe this life sometimes.

It means constantly being picked on, even if no one thinks they’re picking on you. It means feeling angry and embarrassed and victimized because herpes is such a stigmatized subject.
“I would never have sex with anyone who had herpes. That’s disgusting.”
My coworker, and good friend, said this to me and another employee tonight. Before I could stick up for myself, I decided to withdraw from the conversation entirely. I went back to my tasks and kept silent, but angry.
It’s upsetting to know that she thinks I’m disgusting. And I’m sure if she knew I had herpes, she WOULD think otherwise, because she would know that I’m not. But for now, I do stay silent. And victimized. And sad.

My boyfriend always wants to fuck me.
So there.

Having an outbreak. Kinda not a big deal. I only Have one sore (praise Jesus). Boyfriend doesn’t care. He still wants to sleep with me. And although I’ve preached good decision making, I’ve made some bad decisions lately. And not just me. Me and my boyfriend have made some bad decisions lately. Like not using a condom when I’m ovulating and having this outbreak. Absolutely stupid and I’m kicking myself for it right now. I’m supposed to be making good decisions. I’m supposed to be protecting him from this.
On the upside, he comes into the room last night, sits down next to me while I’m doing homework, and says “I want to make you my wife one day.”
I turn to him, “really?”
“Yeah. What do you think?” he smiles.
I don’t have to tell any of you how much I thought this was great.
So, hopefully I’m not preggo?